Hats off to the St. Paul’s School boys for coming up with “Senior Salute”, a euphemism so vague it could refer to almost anything! So watered down and white bread it managed to slither under the radar and into the language of a community without raising eyebrows – or at least not enough eyebrows to challenge or stop it. That takes some skillz. Who would have thought (prior to the rape trial there earlier this year, anyway) that something as innocuous-sounding as “Senior Salute” was actually code for targeting new/young women students for sexual conquests (at best) and rape (at worst)?!?!

Clearly How to Come Up with Innocent-Sounding Names for Really Bad Shit 101 is a well-attended course up there in Concord NH, and I get that. The Point One Percent and its minions have a Status Quo to maintain. And since Hiding Psychopathic Shit in Plain Sight-style euphemisms have long been part of preserving The Order of Things, who better suited to do the crucial work of coming up with them than graduates of St. Paul’s, the country’s future secretaries of state, city mayors, and Wall Street captains of industry? And there’s competition out there on the Let’s See Just How Much Denial We Can Spread Around to Suit Our Strategic Goals front so it really is imperative that they stay on top of their game. Consider “Manner of walking along roadway”, a euphemism the Ferguson police department pulled out of its dank nasty ass to refer to harassing black citizens, imposing sky-high fines and effectively using them as a source of revenue. If that isn’t an example of the Master Race at Its Finest Party People I don’t know what is. It’s almost as good as the Catholic Church using “sick leave” to describe priests who had to be relocated because of child abuse accusations.  Here’s a foreign policy oldie but goodie: “Desert Shield”, Protector of Democracy until – PSYCHE! – it’s “Desert Storm” and there’s nothing protective about it for the thousands being killed, including women, children and the elderly (though come to think of it, maybe this isn’t really an oldie after all because, am I wrong or are we more or less still fighting the same freaking war 25 years later)? “The Swoop” was the euphemism used to refer to the practice of targeting first year women students for sex at my illustrious alma mater (yes ladies, if you happen to miss this ritual in high school NOT TO WORRY, you’ll get another chance to get used and discarded in college and grad school while paying higher tuition fees and doing more work which will then be co-opted by your thesis advisor)! Often referred to in a joking manner and – I kid you not – accompanied by arm flapping and squawking a la birds of prey, “The Swoop”, though slightly more suggestive of something predatory than “Senior Salute” was very effective in its use of humor to take the edge off what it really stood for: an extraordinarily nasty practice in which older male students targeted and took sexual advantage of younger women students they did not care about at all in order to pad their sexual resumes, and worse.

Alas, the St. Paul’s School boys can’t take credit for the country’s all-time greatest euphemism, “Peculiar Institution”, code for several centuries of mass rape, torture, kidnapping and slavery. Wide-spread use of this trend-setting classic was already in full swing by the time St. Paul’s was founded in 1856. But it’s good to have examples of what to aspire to, yes?

Now that I’m warmed up, I feel like coming up with a few euphemisms of my own! How about Genetic Realignment Program for genocide? Or Safe Havens for Black Men from Police Shootings for the Prison Industrial Complex. Dang, this is fun! Can I sign up for How to Brand, Package and Market Extreme Violence in the United States 101, too? Is Introduction to Hiding One’s Intentions Behind a Psychopathically Palatable Phrase 101 a prerequisite for that, or can I take it concurrently with the How to Blame the Victim After the Fact for Not Figuring Out What Your Well Hidden True Intentions Were: Theory and Practice?